I went to bed feeling heavy-hearted last nite. Even in my dreams, i was trying to prepare myself to break a piece of bad news to my colleague. I hate to know that i would be dashing the hopes of somebody once i step into the office in the morning and i simply hate it.
It's easy sharing good news to people. But when it's all about bad news, i just find myself difficult to do so. I tried to use the correct words to beautify the bad news, to make it seems better. But bad news are just bad news. No matter how you try to beautify it, it's still bad. It just makes me feel really awlful.
I haven't been sleeping well these few nites. And i know that's because i have been couped with fear, anxieties, stress, pressures and worries within.
Prior to my UK & Europe trip, mom told me that Auntie Violet, mom's eldest sister and someone whom all in the family look up to is not too good with her health. She received a call from SGH just one day before her holiday to Shanghai that her health check-up show that it's not too good.
After she return from her trip, she went for more checks, blood-test and x-tray. The results shows that it's negative. While she goes for test after test and doctor was still finding the exact cause or problem at that time, at the advice of some friends and family members, she also turned to eastern medication to supplement or a least help improve the condition.
Just four weeks ago, mom told me that Auntie Janet, Auntie Violet's good friend, with good intention brought her to the medium to ask about her health. However, comments were really bad. It was said that her health is deterriorating fast and she would passed on within these 4 years. In a way, that affected my auntie and family within.
I am so mad and upset when i heard it. What ... medium? What kind of friend in a right mind would bring a good friend to visit a medium. Many questions went through my mind.I wish so much that Auntie Violet is a christian at that point. She would have placed her trust in God instead.
But well, i think Auntie Janet didn't expect that the results and comments would be that bad. I told myself that she probably did it out of good intentions but somehow backfired in a real big way. I understand that there were detailed descriptions as well and this caused all in the family and herself to be really sad. I bet my mom cried till her eyes were swollen. And i know even right now, mom is feeling very upset. Over my auntie, over herself, over the family,on how she could help, fear of loosing her sister, that her sister is unwell now and she would be next in line and endless things.
I didn't have the time to think much about this as i was on holiday and work and every day was packed. But deep within, i know what my deepest thoughts were and it were all reflected well in my dreams.
I don't meet my auntie as often as all my other cousins as most of them stay near to eachother. But nontheless, my love and respect for her is never lesser than the rest. I guess i was feeling all the struggles and challenges in my life. I wish so much that i could help but don't know what to help. I guess there were a sense of helplessness. I can only pray and intercede for her right now, for good health, recovery and God's healing. And most importantly, to know Christ as well.
Life and Death. Sickness and Good Health. All these are part and parcle of life. I use to think that these are far fetched. But now, it seems that i am in the situation now with family members unwell. She is my beloved auntie, my cousin Joyce and Dawn's mother. I hate to say this but what if reality strucks and mom is next. I would be devastated. Yeah ... better not think about it too much.
I guess i have been feeling life's struggles and challenges. I do feel upset and it's been reflected well in my dreams. One vivid one which i had during my trip was that my right arm was about to be amputated. I know this sounds gross but i didn't feel scared in the dream because it doesn''t mean that it will come to pass in real life. But rather, i'm extremly upset and is afraid of having my loved ones, things or people whom i treasure and means alot to me being taken away. And i have not bee able to fully express my frustration or anger in real life. Well, i guess it's pretty true to a certain extend because i tend to keep my emotions inside. Thus, i am expressing it in my dreams.
In another dream that i had, i was carrying a very big and heavy bag along the street when it was suddenly being snatched away from me across the busy road. I was very stunned but completly cool about it and did not panic(which is just so me). All the vehicles on the busy road started horning. And i know this represents my way of coping with fears, stress and various situations in my life. Yes, i may be stunned that it is happening now and fear overwhelms. But in handling situations, it's just my character that i don't panic and take things one thing at a time.
I was really feeling very tired just now. Lights were off and i was already dozing off when something told me to listen to the song, STILL. It is one of Nic & Jeff's favourite christian song too. After listening to it, it really encouraged me and lifted my spirt up. My heart is also once again filled with his presence and spirit. Knowing that God is always there and he will carry me through problems and situations in life. My trust, faith and belief in him never fails because time after time, he has helped me pull through many things in life. Times when all things seems impossible, when i'm pushed to the limits or at wits end. He is always there to help me pull through. Yes, he will never place me in situations beyond what i can bear.
STILL
Hide me now Under your wings Cover me Within your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar I will soar with you above the storm Father you are king over the flood I will be still and know you are god
Find rest my soul In Christ alone Know his power In quietness and trust
As i travelled home just now, i felt rather heavy burdened for a friend. Actually, it has been something which has been bothering me for awhile. I think it has not been once but a couple of times about the disturbing dream that i had. It seems so real, which explains why i am troubled by it.
But rite now where i am, i just felt that i am waiting for it to happen.And i simply hate this feeling. It's as if i am waiting for the day to tell my friend that i actually knew it would happen. Not that anyone has told me but it's as if God has 'revealed' to me some time back .... which explains the heavy load in my heart. And i'm wondering and asking myself ..... is it just my thoughts? my presumptions? But the load in my heart is still heavy. Did God revealed to me because of specific reasons? What does he wants to convey to me? Is he training me to hear from him accurately? It's like hey, this is the second part of things which i did not tell u. And this is the second part of things which been bothering me quite alot.
Especially so when i saw the expression of another friend sometime back. In my heart, i was telling myself .... please ... the strange look, the disbelief ... it's as if that God has 'revealed' the same things. It's just that we did not tell anyone abt it.
This reminds me of something which happened many years back. The 'vibes' which i am getting is pretty similar. Years ago, a friend left Singapore to get married to her long-time aussie boyfriend overseas. Very near to the wedding day, i dreamt about the wedding. My friend was in church in her wedding gown but as i got a closer look at the groom, it was not an aussie but and asian. I woke up feeling totally puzzled and in disbelief. True enough, a week later, i got to know that the wedding was called off. The strange thing is that there were 2 - 3 other friends who 'testified' that it was 'revealed'to them as well. And yes, my friend is happily married to an australian chinese afew years back and has several kids already.
All i can say now is that i pray hard that it's just one of my wild thoughts and it will not come true. Maybe i am too stressed and thought too much. But yes, if it's really God talking to me, yeap ... i heard it loud and clear.
It has been a very frustrating time for me last month and i knew i was in 'trouble' deep down when i felt that i was 'running away from certain things'. Life was like a complete stand-still and there were things which i was angry and upset about. I guess i was angry and upset abt myself too. It also felt as if the evil spirit was trying all ways to put me down. But i am glad that i perceived and my faith in God has sustained and pulled me through. God never fails!
I was over ambitious with certain things. I had tried to pile myself with the load thinking that i could cope, telling myself that it was possible. But i couldn't. When i finally had to let go, it was tough because i was really disappointed with myself. Just afew days back, i had lunch with a friend and she asked me this: "What are u trying to prove to yourself?" I wonder too. I should have known better in the first place.
There were also things which up to now, i wonder if i should give up. But i am also quite unwilling to because i feel the heart-ache and pain. It's as if by giving up, i should have never started in the first place. And i've asked myself several times ... that perhaps if i've made more effort in the area intially, i could have possibly see the results now. Another dillemma ... another disappointment. Haven't i heard .... if it's not God's will, than it's not. Sigh!
Time flies .. and there were certain things which i should action upon but somehow, nothing was done. I guess i was tired and caught up with the daily routines. So, now is the time and i am glad God has send various 'reminders' to me in his own ways. And yeap, I think i am ready now.
So, i guess this week will be a good week for me as i head to Malacca for the annual church camp. A time to seek God, a time to refresh my heart and a good start for the next 6 months. It's gonna be exciting and it'll be a good time to catch up with some friends as well.
I love to check out new things and places. Enjoys travelling and hope to visit the seven wonders of the world one day. A shoe and bag lover. Love reading, movies, music, musicals, singing, writing, taking photos and many more. Started this blog at a time when I don’t even know what blogging is but have since become a part of me.
